Beka’s Indian diary Part IV
April 14th, 2007
Beka Card continues her diary from retreat in India…
Read Part I, Part II, Part III
As my time in India is progressing, there is an inward deepening happening. This is due to the continuing exploration of the inner world and the fact that I have now participated in four group and one solitude retreat.
The need for words, at times, becomes less and less. It is also not conducive to the focus to keep writing. I will, however, endeavor to convey the vital stuff in this web diary…
The Space Between
There is a gap between the awakened state and the sleeping state. This gap is a very important place, a very rich place. It is the place/dimension where the sense of ‘I’ is lost and one falls choicelessly into pure consciousness. It will probably only be a one-second flash (though time itself becomes unfathomable in this space) but the effect is so profound that what is revealed because of it lasts for infinity. Indeed, what is revealed is itself infinity.
What is revealed is this: we are all one, we are all part of space, this infinite, all beings have access to it – it is our birthright, it reveals a deep knowing of connectedness. In that one second, it may feel like space and time become one and the same. There is no beginning and no end. In fact, all of existence merges in space and time and the sudden inescapable truth that this is who you are.
I write this from an experience I had 12 years ago. The reason I’m writing about it now is because it has become deeply relevant once again. It feels valid to mention that I had the same experience (though not so profound as the first time) twice at the base of Arunachala, the mountain in Tiruvanamalai, which is itself pure consciousness.
The feeling this experience left me with was that of connection and love. It felt like I had been sleeping through my life and I had just woken up. I wrote the words ’space time is now’ in every combination they can be written (24 times) and put it into poster form and then continued to hand them out. I felt like a messenger; that I had good news to spread – that everything was alright, that none of our daily dramas really mattered. I could see that it was not about us.
After this awakening experience, in all difficult situations I always managed to remind myself of what really mattered. It has generally felt easy to access this since the impact was so great. It is this knowing, this trust that has been my guiding light all these years. For the most part though, it is not something I speak about for fear of boosting my spiritual ego (which, of course, is the ego speaking…). Recently, however, in Tiruvanamalai, it came up in a reading by one of our beloved teachers, Ajay-ji. It was from the songs in the Hindu text by Mira, a devotee of Krishna who wished more than anything to be one with him. She started to sing about the state called Laya, which just happens to be the very same state I am now writing about.
My heart was racing and my throat dried up – after all these years it was being spoken about, discussed, questioned. It was something that had been written about, it even had a name! I wanted to share my experience to help others understand but I couldn’t speak for the fear.
I have always known that this one-second experience is the reason for my movement into spiritual practice and for coming to India. It has left me with a strong calling. Now it feels like everything has come full circle; that I again am a messenger. It somehow feels like a duty to continue spreading the word, sharing the good news: even in your darkest hour, in the midst of despair, even when you feel separate, you are not. Whether you feel happy or sad, the love is there anyway. You are not the ‘I’, the ego – it is merely an expression of your true nature. This space, this unquantifiable, unnamable – this is who you are. Don’t ever imagine that you are anything other than that. As one of my teachers says, ‘It’s not about you’.
Physical/energetic shifts
In the past, in my periods of formal practice (practice based on the form, ie, sitting meditation and yoga postures), I have experienced varying degrees of physical conditions which I would never really take much notice of. Recently, however, I experienced a couple of interesting things I would like to share.
I was practicing the stronger asana’s (for me at least) on the Tiru retreat, including Urdhva Dhanurasana back arch. I was practicing daily, which I don’t normally do so regularly. I hadn’t done it in this way for some time and a lot had been going on internally (as I’ve already mentioned). I was getting headaches from them, the kind that make you feel like you’ve been hit over the head with something heavy – the whole skull throbs. I have experienced this type of headache before and knew they would pass. I was also aware that they were due to toxins being released in the body and the energy shifting. Because of this, I sensed it was ultimately a positive thing rather than a negative so I continued the same practice of asanas. By the end of the retreat, the headaches were no longer coming. This meant that the toxins and energy had shifted through. If I had stopped because of the headaches there would still be something stuck.
This, to me, is a clear example of how asana practice and, thus, the flow of prana, is one of the best tools for cleansing and shifting through blockages in the physical and energetic body.
There is another example of the same thing where I experienced extremely painful swollen glands as soon as the retreat was over and, since nothing came of it, my sense is was that it was a build up and shift of energy in the body due to an internal movement of energy in the physical, physiological and emotional world.
My hope is that this will be of some help to those who experience similar symptoms and so can work with it in a positive way, rather than our conditioning of pushing it away.
Nature speaks louder than words
After the Tiru retreat, I spent some time back in Tiru itself exploring different Satsangs (sprititual gatherings where a guru/teacher explores the dharma, usually through questions and answers). I was blown away by one – Mooji. He can be found usually in Brixton and has a website, which will give his Satsang dates. The teachings are very much on non-duality.
After seeing a few of these Gurus, I realized I was hearing the same thing over and over again but in different styles. I also realized that words can only say so much, that I just wanted to rest back in the armchair of what they were all talking about. I wanted to be in nature. It seemed that there was nothing the gurus could tell me that nature couldn’t. I went with a friend to Hampi to find some caves.
Nature is the Guru
I spent 10 days in solitude, in a cave. Let me say that it wasn’t so much the cave that was important but the nature aspect. It was a dream I finally realized, a deep longing finally met.
There is such a difference between group retreats and solitude retreats. Not having the programme set up for you feels much more relaxing and means you can do things at your own pace. Also, not having people around takes away the possible distractions and energy (supportive though it can be) of them. It felt like the true meaning of ‘retreat’ had been revealed. Being in nature, exploring what it really is, coming into harmony with it and its rhythm and in so doing, finding one’s own natural rhythm or frequency. It brought with it a sense of inner power and liberty and a chance to really be resourceful. It also brings the question: What is nature? But then also, Who am I? appear to be one and the same.
I had found what I had been longing for, for what seems all my life. One thing feels very clear - nature is the guru. Nature doesn’t exist, yet it is existence itself. The pulse of all life-form. It is the essence of your being. It doesn’t need to be worked out. It doesn’t require decision-making and has no use for logic. It just happens. Constant and reliable in its existence, yet always changing. No matter how much control we have over it, it just does what it does. We are helpless in our plight; we can never hope to gain control over something so complete and all-pervading.
It seems like magic; the way it works, the way it just keeps happening. Miracles for our tiny minds to never comprehend.
May we learn to accept this and, in so doing, accept who we are.
Nature is the background music of all existence. The heartbeat. We don’t even need to do anything to hear it. Only listen, be open, be still. There’s a gap between who experiences and that which is experienced. We need to go beyond these; be in the gap, be the space.
It is supreme. The teacher of all teachers. We can read all the books we want, listen to all the teachings we like but no words can show you what nature can. We exist because of it. We are part of it and not separate from it. Our core, our being, therefore, is its essence. To make the enquiry ‘What is nature?’ is to ask, ‘Who am I?’. But can we ask the question and be content to never really know the answer?
Just how long can you go on?
Leaping from one boulder to the next
In search of the vital element?
Having made the decision to do it this way
You’re missing out on what’s actually beneath your feet,
And all around you.
Now crouch, listen;
Do nothing and be still.
No leaping, no climbing, no clambering needed.
The inescapable truth is already yours –
You are the vital element!
There is no decision to be made!
Beka
The supreme yoga – sharing the juice:
Even as the ocean is the substratum of all the waves, direct experience alone is the basis for all proofs – the direct experience of truth as it is. That substratum experiencing intelligence which itself becomes the experiencer, the act of experiencing and the experience. The experiencing alone is the fact; yet, in a state of non-understanding, this experiencing seems to have a subject (the experiencer). Wisdom that is born of the spirit of enquiry dispels this non-understanding and the undivided intelligence shines in its own light. At that stage, even the spirit of enquiry becomes superfluous and dissolves itself.
My only book in the cave was the The Concise Yoga Vasistha. A gift from my comrade who went into a cave at the same time as me. And what a gift! It is the teachings of the Sage Vasistha to Lord Rama. Phenomenal in its directness and profound execution of the truth. There are too many incredible and totally inspirational quotes to share. If you have any wish to deepen your understanding of creation/nature/who you are, then I consider it a duty to encourage you, from the heart, to read this, indeed, supreme text:
‘This entire universe is forever non-different from the conciousness that dwells in every atom, even as an ornament is different from gold. Just as an ornament potentially exists in gold, the object exists in the subject. But when this notion of the object is firmly rejected and removed from the subject, then consciousness alone exists without even an apparent or potential objectivity. When this is realized evils - like attraction and repression, love and hate, cease in one’s heart – as also the false notions of the world, you , I, etc. Even the tendency to objectify ceases. This is freedom.
OM NAMA NARAYANAYA’
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