Beka Card’s Indian diary, part V
June 11th, 2007
Beka Card concludes her diary from retreat in India…
Read Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV
Soft support. Deep Friendship
Sarnath, near the holy city of Varanasi, is the place where Buddha gave his first teachings in the famous deer park. For many, many years it has been a place of pilgrimmage for Buddhists and there are several monastries there – Tibetan, Chinese, Japanese and Thai. Every year at the Thai monastery there is an ‘open retreat’ hosted by Christopher Titmuss, an international Dharma teacher and someone who has had a great deal of influence on my spiritual journey and development.
An open retreat takes the form of a normal retreat except that you can come and go as you please and there are discussion groups daily. Participants may stay within the grounds of the monastery for a more focused, silent experience or they can go into the village, as most do, for dharma discussions over chai and lassi. Most people think that it sounds like an easy, relaxed approach but, in fact, this particular program is one that has brought up the most ’stuff’ for me in the past and, indeed, recently.
In a ‘normal’ retreat environment, there is complete silence. For me, this feels easy (for the most part) and I usually end up in various states of bliss and peace. The question I ask myself is, ‘How helpful are the blissful states?’. Of course they’re great and we want more of them but, really, do they help us in times of crisis or can we even learn from them?
On the Sarnath program there is a lot of interaction and often a lot of daily life going on as well as the Dharma talks, meditations and discussions. The combination of the two is truly rich ground for highlighting our habitual patterns and the way we react to situations. This, then, is where we can really learn something helpful.
Having come from the blissful and deepened states of the cave experience it came as a great surprise to me to find that there was so much vulnerability waiting and aspects of the inner world still yet unexplored.
I had been noticing, particularly in my asana practice, that there was a stuckness, a tightness in my left shoulder. It started to become more and more obvious and painful. A friend offered to give me acupuncture, which I had never experienced before. The general feeling was that energy had got stuck, had become stagnant (almost certainly from the prolonged period of focused practice) and that working to open the channels in the body may help the flow of energy so things can start moving again. On one level, it seems ironic that this could happen – isn’t the practice of yoga and meditation supposed to move us closer into harmony with our true selves, to unblock the system?
On another level, it made total sense – the build up of prana/shakti energy may have become so strong that it had found nowhere to go or no way to express itself perhaps? Was it possible that this build up was a manifestation of something yet unattended to, some emotion for example?
So, during the acupuncture treatment, something was triggered in me which seemed to be as a result of the point of stagnation being focused on so closely. It felt so core, so immediate that the flood gates of something forgotten opened up. A revolution of tears poured out and made known the sadness of something lost, something uncared for. What precisely that is I cannot say but even that I went to this deep place within myself felt like a great opening, a wonderful gift. The ground had gone from beneath me and I felt totally exposed, raw. The words from within came, ‘What would be kind?’ as if I really needed to address this aspect of my existence.
Despite the rawness of it all, I knew it was a necessary process. It was also necessary that I had gone to the deep (blissful) place before in order to access this now. On reflection, it seems impossible to have one without the other. Perhaps there, then, is one benefit of blissful states.
I went to the retreat monastery and stood like a child in a playground; lost, not knowing who I wanted to ‘play’ with, or even if I wanted to play at all. I found a friend, one of the teachers, and practically fell into her arms. The support I received over the next few days from teachers and sangha was truly wonderful. I felt loved and learned how to receive love, how to ask for support instead of always offering support to others. I felt truly humbled for the first time in my life by the realisation that I didn’t want to, nor could I, sit at the front of the meditation hall as I always do but instead found myself lying down with blankets at the back of the hall – small, quiet and fragile. What a relief. I didn’t have to be what I thought I had to be. Over the two weeks of the program, I came to see how, despite my deconstructing of mental habits and role-identification over the last six years of practice, I had somehow, without noticing, re-constructed an image of myself and a framework of how life is. Now I could see the truth – I knew nothing. What a relief! I threw up my hands, I gave up, I quit. And every time I felt I had an answer for something I would be lashed by the zen-like words of my teacher during the groups or dharma talks where she would say something which went right to the core, like a bolt of lightening – ‘Speak from a deeper place’, she would say. Ouch!! How could speak from a deeper place than I thought I already was?! It hurt but she was right and I knew she was coming from a place of love. This is where we find the skill and true commitment coming from a teacher. It really is incredible and I feel so much gratitude for my teachers for this.
On a day to day basis I started noticing, very carefully, just how much I push myself, how I want to get things done quickly and how, therefore, I stress myself out just by this habit. This is where the tightness in the body starts to manifest. This is where the sharp angles of our attitude start to reveal themselves. This is where we need to be vigilant and where the true meaning of kindness or Ahimsa needs to be implemented. We need to begin to really notice when we are stealing from ourselves – only taking what is needed, nothing extra, Ahimsa.
These are not just words or concepts, they have deep and fundamental meaning if we want to live our lives in a full and nourishing way. I found myself breathing from and into the belly, the lower abdominals as a way to stay with the softness and to stay away from the unhelpful activities of the mind.
One of the biggest lessons I wish to share that came up for me in a group titled, ‘Soft support. Deep friendship’, is that the place of fragility itself is where the support is to be found. Something just as valid that I’ve seen during this trip is that we need to be prepared to ‘die’ many times over. We might think that when we’ve died once, when it feels so strong, with such a deep impact, that that’s it – the work is done – but we couldn’t be more wrong. Be prepared for the heart to break. Be willing to go deep in order to trace the fear inside in order to bring (us) in touch with who we really are so that the softness is found – we simply have nowhere else to go but to surrender to it. This softness is the support. And this is where the deep friendship with oneself and others really begins.
Mantra-yoga
Just prior to going into the cave, I acquired an instrument called the Sruthi box. It is a small, simplified harmonium in so much as it plays just one chord at a time, depending on which note you set it on – rather than having keys that play different notes on the harmonium. Therefore, it is a continual sound or drone. I saw one of my teachers using one and knew straight away that this was the instrument I had been looking for. It is the best investment I’ve made for a long time and has opened up a whole field of practice to explore.
I had heard and sung the Gayatri Mantra only once or twice but each time it had had a strong effect on me – physically, mentally and energetically. I felt drawn to it and during the long train journey to the cave I found myself singing it over and over again.
While I was in the cave, I began chanting it daily. I have vivid and happy memories of sitting at the mouth of the cave with the full moon shining through the tree that grew into the rocks there. These wonderful and precious moments have sown the seed for a practice that feels so profound and beneficial that it has continued from that time onwards.
When I again came into contact with friends and teachers, I told them about this new-found love and I was told by many that it is said to be the most powerful of all mantras, indeed, it is mentioned in more than one of the Hindu texts as the highest of all mantras and should be sung daily. My appetite was whetted and I began to seek further information not only about this mantra but chanting and its effects. I soon came across a book called Shakti Mantras: Tapping into the Great Goddess Energy Within in which is written:
‘It is the energy coming from the subtle body that provides the key to the effectiveness of Sanskrit mantra chanting… Located along the spine in the subtle body are whirling energy centers called chakras…’
Many observations have been made over the centuries and the author, Ashley-Farrand, writes,
‘These outcomes were carefully written down and can be found today in The Vedas“>the Vedas, The Upanishads, and most recently tThe Yoga Sutras of Patanjali“>he Yoga Sutras of Patanjali.
Finally, the sages arrived at an understanding of how the energy-gaining process of the chakras was directly tied to Sanskrit language. The six chakras located along the spine of the subtle body each have a different number of petals, or spokes, if you prefer. The total number of petals or spokes composing those six chakras is 50. Similarly, the Sanskrit alphabet consists of 50 letters, with each one corresponding to a particular petal of a chakra. When the mantra built from the language is chanted, our chakras vibrate in tune with the Sanskrit sounds because Sanskrit is specifically vibrationally tuned to the activity of our chakras. Sanskrit is an energy-based language first and a meaning-based language second. It is not only the language of our chakras, it is a language that the feminine-based power within us understands, and to which it also responds.’
In his chapter on Shakti Power he writes:
‘In numerous texts on yoga, meditation, and Eastern mysticism, we find references to different types of Shakti power – the great feminine energy that exists both within and without our bodies… In us, shakti is described as a serpent-like power cell coiled three times, sitting around the base of the spine…The shakti sitting at the base of the spine will eventually unfold itself and send its essence, energy, up the spine to the top of the head. Along the way, it activates the chakras in certain mystical ways and pierces successive veils of ignorance…’
Patanjali writes, ‘The perfections may already be present at the time of birth, or they can be developed by herbs, by mantras, and by samadhi.
Any change into a new state of being is the result of the fullness of Nature unfolding inherent potential.’
About the Gayatri Mantra he writes:
‘Among all the millions of mantras recorded and stored in Far Eastern archives, the Gayatri Mantra is uniformly called the essence of all mantras…
The individual syllables of the Gayatri Mantra contain an energy seed for each of these (universal, upper levels) seven planes of light…
Over time and many repetitions, each chakra becomes tuned to the energy of each of the upper luminous spheres…
In daily life, faithful repetition of this mantra brings spiritual light into the physical body so that diseases are less frequent and are milder when they occur. The prana becomes energized producing energy, inspiration, and a form of vibrational protection called kavacha. To those who see such things, the aura becomes bright.’
Here are the words followed by the meaning of the mantra:
Om Bhur Bhuvaha Swaha
Tat Savitur Varenyam
Bhargo Devasya Dhimahi
Dhiyo Yonah Prachodayat
O Self-Effulgent light that has given birth to all the lokas (spheres of conciousness) who is worthy of worship and appears through the orbit of the Sun, illumine our intellect.
May this be an inspiration to all who read it. I look forward to sharing it with some of you when I return.
I feel it is also worth mentioning that during my discoveries, I found that there is a yantra (tool, gadget to help develop higher levels of consciousness) in the form of the Sri Chakra. This is a geometric shape or mandala that is mathematically arranged. Here is what a friend found out about it: 43 triangles formed by 9 intersecting triangles. 8 then 16 lotus petals, 3 circles and 3 squares. The dot in the center is Siva inside Shakti, the navel, the spark, the heart, the source. The triangles are shakti, mother of the universe, Uma. Sri Chakra is the wheel of fortune, wheel of creation, most potent chakra in tantra. It is the geometric abode of Siva-Sakti. The Gayatri Mantra is her sonic abode. Two in one…
Needless to say, I now have a copy or two of Sri Chakra always on the wall of whatever room I happen to land in, which is a great inspiration to me.
The centre is opening
The International meditation group that I am connected to here in India – Open Dharma – is currently planning to create a meditation centre in the Pryenees in Northern Spain. This place is called Open Centre and it will be a place for silence, rest, nature and interaction. It will be a place of diversity; encouraging multi-cultural and multi-generational groups. A place of no religion or any religion. There, you will be able to learn about sustainable ecology, yoga, healing/alternative therapies, gardening, art and music, bee keeping as well as other nature and spiritual-based activities.
The centre will offer group as well as individual retreats and support to all participants. Families, single parents and children will be offered program, making it more accessible. The place itself will be a demonstration of sustainability and community living.
To support these wonderful people in their pledge to serve humanity, I organized the making of, and then sold some t-shirts with the words ‘The Centre is Opening/Opening is the Centre’. This was a productive project and made it possible to have another 500 made for selling in Europe this summer, when the centre is due to open.
I also had the job of putting together a grant proposal for them since they currently have no money to back the centre. This was one of the most challenging tasks I have had to do for a long time but totally inspiring and allowed me to motivate some resources I thought were no longer alive. Needless to say, the group is looking for financial help in any way possible. There are many ways that funds will be being raised, including a dharma cookbook, online donations and silent walks/yatras. I myself shall be coordinating and leading a one-day silent yatra at the beginning of July in the countryside around Lewes.
If anyone is interested in joining me for this event or if you simply wish to find out more about the centre and how you might be able to help then please visit the website: www.opendharma.org – you will find the link for Open Centre there and all details of how to contact the event coordinators.
Practice - the gamble
I have just spent three weeks in Lucknow, Uttrapradesh, North India. It is not a city of great interest on the tourist circuit but you will usually find westerners there due to the fact that this was once the home of the spiritual teacher/guru Punja-ji or Papa-ji as he was known. He was a teacher of the Advaita tradition (non-duality) and had spent a lot of time in Tiruvanamalai (mentioned in previous diaries). He had many followers during his life, one of whom was my main teacher, Jaya from Open Dharma. After his death she continued to live there and became very close friends with the other wonderful Open Dharma being named Ajay. So for the last few years they have invited people to go and be in Lucknow for the daily class given by Ajay. This is a great opportunity to enrich oneself in Hindu texts, mostly the Yoga Vashiste. Ajay himself has such a great understanding of the texts, the Sanskrit language and the real, core meaning behind it that it is daily an absolute joy to be with him in this forum. It is an opening for questions and observations to be shared. The feeling I get from these classes, both in Lucknow and also on retreats, is that Ajay doesn’t just understand, he really knows. What a blessing to be in his presence.
So, just to remind anyone who has forgotten from the previous diary, I was reading the Yoga Vashiste during my time in the cave and the text is extremely direct and profound in its description on creation, Truth and ‘ultimate reality’. It is a dialogue between the sage Vashiste and Rama, who was a prince in the earthly realm but was Krishna in the higher realms who had come in the form of Rama for the spiritual benefit of humankind.
Vashiste has a lot to say to Rama - two volumes’ worth, yet each page is a gem. A couple of things that stood out for me were descriptions of finding oneself in a deep place within and then feeling confident about it so that one goes to ‘another country’ - the idea being that we think all the work is done simply because we’ve reached a deep level of conciousness so we relax or confidently rest back only to find our demons are still there, haunting us. My feeling about this description is; we can’t imagine that going on ‘holiday’ is going to make everything that we don’t like about ourselves go away. Of course, this corresponds exactly to the experience I had had when I had come out of the cave.
What was also quite lovely and apt was that the character Vashiste was describing at one point how one character had just come out of a cave after prolonged practice as he felt it was more important now to be with the people, in order to share his light with them.
Vashiste talks to Rama about the ‘army’ who are ruled by a ‘demon’, (eg fear or anger) inside us and how the army tends to hide in parts of the body when these particular emotions are not faced or expressed. This, too, was an alarming comparison to my own recent experience but also a clear and helpful metaphor for how the body can hold onto stuff. In this way we can see yet again why our asana and meditation practice is so vital - so that we can develop the awareness to see and feel into the stuff we usually ignore in order to liberate ourselves from the demons and their armies.
Vashiste at one point has finished saying a lot to Rama and then sees that Rama still hasn’t understood. He says, ‘When you commit to this way of living (towards higher consciousness and freedom) then your life will turn inside out, there will be chaos. But, once you have started there is no turning back. It is all a gamble from now on. You need to let life manage life - you have no choice, you need to let go of making decisions about this and that. You will have to be open-handed and learn to trust in the unknown.’
These words have so much meaning in my life right now; I can honestly say that this time I’ve spent in India came not from having made a decision – I really felt there was no choice. I just had to sort a few practical things out in order to be here. The calling was and still is so strong that I simply cannot ignore it. And the spiritual path really is a gamble – for we really have no idea when we start out just how treacherous, unpredictable and formidable it can be or how much we stand to lose or gain along the way.
Is it possible to allow life to manage life? Is it possible in the busyness of our lives and in the words of Vashiste to, ‘Go slowly so that we can drink the nectar.’ Otherwise, we’ll be stealing precious moments from ourselves, never living life in a full and intimate way.
May the path of practice be forever changing,
May it continue to be the source of inspiration and transformation,
May it be for the ultimate benefit of all beings everywhere.
One last word – last night I was chanting in my room and another guest at the hotel knocked on my door to ask me to stop, telling me that it wasn’t a temple, it was a hotel and something about how ‘westerners come over here trying to be Hindus’. At the time I was so full of love and lightness that I simply smiled and felt a deep compassion for this being who seemed so stuck in his separation of what things are and where they belong. On reflection, my heart now tells me that the whole world, indeed, this life, is a temple. If only I had had the clarity to speak at the time…
Yours, devoted to the light,
Beka
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